Thrill seeker, or just crazy you decide..

Typical online date.. Spoke a couple times via text, and received no warning signs he was a weirdo so agreed to a date. Naturally I picked the place so I knew what to order,was more confident, and let's face it I look cooler if I know where I am.

In classic Puerto Rican time fashion I am late, and he is already there.. I actually do this on purpose so I don't look too eager. (mind games) He cuter than his pictures so in my head off to a good start. Tells me about his career in the medical field, and how he is looking to open up a fitness facility. So at this point I think to myself  (thank god he's normal!!!) famous last thoughts..

He then proceeds to tell me about the bar he was at with friends before we met up but how he didn't fit in.Side Note: The bar he was talking about is notorious for being full of guys that we ladies call S.T.D "South Tampa Douche bags" True story ask your lady friends..

Anyway like a smart mouth I reply with "Yea.. you probably didn't fit in because you were not like those idiots wearing an Ed Hardy, or Affliction t-shirt." He just stares at me blankly, and says "Umm I do have several of those shirts at home" I give a nervous chuckle,change the subject, and order a Sangria.

It gets better! (Come on would you expect anything less from my stories?)

We start talking about thrill seeking things we like to do, and he tells me that he has a couple stories.. "I once swam up to a pod of dolphins in the wild, I was pretty far away from shore, and they started circling me. All of a sudden one came at me, hit me in the chest, and broke my ribs. They swam back to shore with me afterwards so it wasn't all bad" We then start talking about family, and he tells me of this time he was in an argument with his mother (Side note: let me tell you nothing is more attractive that a guy with anger issues) they are by a dock, and he sees sharks. "To make the argument stop I just jumped in to freak out my mother, and it worked, I was fine they swam away" If that wasn't enough he tells once last story.. "Have you ever been kayaking in the Hillsbrough river? Have you ever swam with manatees?.. did you know they don't have any teeth" Naturally I couldn't resist, and responded with "no I didn't how did you know that?" His response was simple. "Oh that's because I put my head in it's mouth, it was all gums, and it was really sweet about it" at this point my inner PETA is freaking out, my eyes rapidly scanning for the waiter. I spot him, and word out "Check please" I thank him for a lovely evening, and blame my early flight for why I had to leave early but not before he asked when he would see me again.

I now know who to call in the event I need a "meat shield" against sharks, dolphins.



#photo New Times Broward Palm Beach

Unicorn Chariot..

So with online dating I get some strange e-mail messages.. How strange you ask?

Background: His profile said he was from India, and this is the first contact to me.

Exhibit A

After careful consideration I have a couple thoughts...

1) Do they have any record of Unicorns in India, Did I miss it? Hmm I found this.. http://www.whiterosesgarden.com/Unicorns/UNI_world_myths/UNI_india.htm

2) Maybe I should reply with a demand to send me a photograph holding a newspaper with today's date with this "Unicorn Chariot". Or really any year would be ok.

3) Oh waaait maybe he meant something else.. (Uncomfortable laugh)

4) Still curious..

Mr. European..

I knew by his grammatical errors that English was not his strong suit but... yet somehow he convinced me that he was worth (about a 1 &1/2) of my time, and that it was a good idea to meet him for lunch. It didn’t hurt that he looked like he fell out of an “Abercrombie & Fitch” catalogue.

The date begins... he arrives late because he couldn’t find the restaurant because the mall was “like a city”. I literally had to give him step by step instructions on how to find me.

Then like I predicted it wasn’t any easier talking to him in person. He claimed he was shy & just sat there... So being “the dude” I had to carry the entire date with conversation (exhausting I wouldn’t recommend it).

I'll fast forward to the good stuff. My crowning moment was when I made him cry (yes I just said that)... He mentioned that he was newly single so I asked how new? “you mentioned you were divorced”. That’s when he began to cry, said it had been a month since “we separated” I suggested that maybe it was too soon, and that he should not be dating (for obvious reasons). He disagreed so I decided to change the subject. Figured I couldn’t go wrong with asking about family right? Wrong! I asked him if he had a brothers or sisters, and told him I was close with mine. He then began to cry again because his brother was dead. Naturally I felt like a jerk, and excused myself. I quickly text my friend, and asked for help. Within minutes of sitting back down I received an “emergency” call from "work" telling me I “had to leave” I apologized, said I had to go, and asked if the check had come, he replied no, and that he understood (So I thought).

He then tells me that I smile a lot, and asks how I made my eyes “that color” I thank him, and tell him it’s called Hazel. He then tells me people would pay to have eyes like mine. (Note: This changes nothing I’m still awaiting my exit). I excuse myself again, and find the waiter. I ask him to please bring the check, and explained I was on a bad date, and needed to leave. He tells me that it looked like I needed an escape, and that is why he had brought my check awhile ago. It get’s better... he then tells me “My date” had already paid about 45 min ago. Seriously? Of course he did.

When I get back to the table, I politely tell him I have to leave (again) but this means nothing to him, He asks me if I want to get a drink, or go see a movie. I decline saying I’m so busy with work, that it was nice meting him, thank him for lunch, then took another 10 minutes explaining to him how to navigate through the mall & get to his car. I told him it wasn’t necessary for him to walk me to mine.

In the end I learned a couple things...

1)      If you can’t understand him in text, and have to breakdown all of your jokes, it doesn’t get any better in person.

2)       Go with your gut, and judge a book by it’s cover. Just sayin.. I knew better.